Friday, June 9, 2017

"I want today to be about me" + Mistakes

Things have been pretty busy around here lately. A few weeks ago we got our carpet replaced, which meant that our cabinets were in the garage, which to me was the perfect opportunity for me to sand them down and paint them white. That was the worst idea I've ever had! lol.

 Sanding off varnish and stain is the worst task ever. ever ever. ever ever ever. I never want to do that again. lol. Then after sanding them down, the wood was SO BEAUTIFUL so I decided that I should stain them white instead of painting them, so I could still see the beautiful grain.

I can paint. I know nothing of stain. I spent too much money buying exactly what I didn't want and what didn't work. I ended up just painting them white. Had I stuck with my decision to paint them I wouldn't have had to sand them down as much as I did. Anyway... it was a learning processes. I learned, so I don't regret it, but it was exhausting.

I finally finished them a few days ago and we brought them back inside. Last night as I was loading them back up I suddenly realized that we hadn't secured them back into the wall. suddenly as in it was falling on me. It was scary. It happened in slow motion. It was like one of those sudden super powers I-could-lift-a-car-to-save-my-baby moments. Those suckers are HEAVY!! I was somehow able to turn around and push it back to the wall... as things fell off on me. Something landed on my head, and the rest on my lower back and around me. There were a few glass jars that broke (though I didn't get any cuts). My big toe was bleeding, but that was it.

I was in shock after it happened. I was shaking for quite a while and as that wore off the pain came full force. My hands, arms, shoulder, lower back, knees (from being pressed so hard into the carpet), my feet and ankles. ug. It was the worst.

I ended up going to bed early, and my hubby gave everything a good rub which helped a lot. He is so sweet and was a good friend to hang out with me. It didn't seem like a big deal, but my emotions were a little lot crazy. It was traumatic.

This morning I was still pretty sore, and as we dropped my hubby off at work I wished that he could stay home. "I know life isn't about me, but I want today to be about me." I cried a little. It was hard to have gone through a hard thing, still hurting and sore, and knowing that I had to suck it all up and take care of everyone else. That I was "fine" in everyone else's mind and they all moved on. But I didn't feel fine.


After washing the dishes I had an epiphany. I was overwhelmed with gratitude. I realized that while I wanted the day to be about me, that has to come from someone else. not from myself. I can't make today about me - that's just being selfish. That's closing myself off to everyone else. I can't give, love, make the world a better place if I am focused inward. If I am focused on me.

If today was going to be about me, it had to come from someone else. Which also isn't something I can demand or wait for.

I was grateful that I wasn't having a pity party. I was grateful that despite, and perhaps because of, my recent experience, I could still give and do things. I had the thought that because I'm not focused inward on myself, that means that I have all this power and emotion to focus outward and give to the world! I can create and serve and do something awesome! And that is WAY better than getting distracted on myself.

I love this quote from this recent conference talk,

“Service,” Amy testifies, “saved my life. Where I ultimately found my strength to keep moving forward was the happiness I discovered in trying to relieve the suffering of those around me. I looked forward to our service projects with great joy and anticipation. Still to this day it seems like such a strange paradox. You would think that someone who was bald, poisoned, and fighting for [her] life (battling cancer) was justified in thinking that ‘right now it is all about me.’ However, when I thought about myself, my situation, my suffering and pain, the world became very dark and depressing. When my focus turned to others, there was light, hope, strength, courage, and joy. I know that this is possible because of the sustaining, healing, and enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.”


It's so true. How many times do we get so distracted on our current, or past, plight that we fall down the spiral of depression, discouragement, and doubt. I'm grateful that I didn't go that route today.

Instead I found joy in putting my house back together, spending time with my children, holding and squeezing my cute little girl who is growing up too fast! I found joy in service, I found joy in the mundane. I found joy in being kind to the maintenance guy who was here for hours today (and I'm so happy they are finished with everything! Our list of things to fix is now whittled down to one: replace the carpet in the basement! Wahoo!!)

Anyway, I realized that there is TOO MUCH beauty all around us to not keep our eyes open wide and focused on the outside. Whenever I scroll through my phone, or think of my task list... I miss so many precious moments, so many interactions and connections.

I realized that those connections with my children and my husband, with my friends and those I love, with people I don't even know, are all what I want more of in my life! Those are what makes life precious. Those connections and relationships make life worth living. Those are what feed my soul!

I feel lucky and blessed to be at a place where my relationships are no longer tainted with resentment and pain. I'm no longer controlled by how others treat me, or how I feel/percieve that they are treating me (which is often incorrect anyway). Healing that has taken time and learning and growth, and most of all, and always, takes forgiveness. Even when it hurts so bad, forgiving - sometimes opens the wounds wider, but always makes way to perfect and complete healing that can only come through the Savior!

If you haven't listened to this, The Savior Heals without A Scar, (it is free with a 30-day trial of the Deseret Plus audio subscription if you don't want to buy it. I think it's worth it. I LOVE their new Plus subscription. I'm always listening to things). it is by far the best listen to ever!!! It is one of my most favorite messages I've ever heard! (not an affiliate. just being sincere.) This message has made the struggle and the pain, and the journey so much more bearable, and I have since come to recognize those times when the Lord opens my wounds just a little wider so that He can heal me without a scar. It is truth, and I am grateful for this knowledge. If you would like to know of my many experiences with this, feel free to ask. I'm happy to share! But first listen to this! It's awesome!


One thing I've been working on this evening is a secret... ;) but I've been working on it, and I'm a little burned out. I decided to pull out some recently finished quilt tops to motivate me to keep going, and instead I found a mistake! So what did I do? I shared it on Instagram! lol.

I instantly got comments like, "never tell/show people your mistakes", "no one will notice", "it'll be our secret". There is absolutely nothing wrong with these comments. I've made these comments plenty of times to others. But tonight it hit me differently then it has before.

I thought, "why can't I show people my mistakes? Why is that so wrong???" and "who cares if someone notices? should I be ashamed of my error?" I tried really hard to get the placement just right, but I have an error. Does that mean my quilt is now less special, and less worthy of love and appreciation? "Why should I keep it a secret?" I just shared it on Instagram. Not that I have a billion followers, but it's definitely not a secret anymore (although it might be with their algorithms. I'd probably have to pay IG $40 to show it to anyone. lol.)

I hope I didn't offend anyone with my responses, but it actually felt freeing to share my mistake and hoping that everyone sees it! I realized just how perfection oriented our society has become, that we all have to live under this false blanket of perfection, and if we make an error, we definitely don't make it public. "How dare you be imperfect and be in my presence?!"

Woah! I am definitely not perfect, nor do I or have I ever claimed to be. I like to make beautiful things, I like to be creative, I like to work hard and do things to the best of my ability, but I have no shame in admitting my mistakes. I have no shame in being imperfect. I hope I'm not the only one that feels this way.

Why can't we share mistakes? What keeps you from sharing your imperfections?

Who decided that my feed has to be all staged fake perfect photos and experiences? Who doesn't use their seam ripper? who makes a quilt with absolutely no mistakes?! I'm sure there are people out there - they are the queens and kings of quilting, but I bet more than not, they just don't share their mistakes, or they have had years and years of practice so their perfection is well earned!! Hats off to them for their hard work!

In the past, like even a few months ago, I felt paralyzed into not sharing a mistake. I would be the shame of the universe if I were imperfect, or said the wrong thing, or shared a photo with a hair out of place. What is that??? It's rubbish is what it is.

How did I overcome that? By remembering who I am. By reminding myself that I am a mother, a wife, a daughter of God. That I have great worth and value in those things, and that is where I should focus my worth. Not on what some stranger, or even a family member, thinks of me. My worth does not fluctuate with an increase or decrease of followers or email subscribers. I found my place in my life, and what is important to me. I became passionate about what is important to me, and stopped being passionate about what is important to someone else.

Stepping away from my business was the best decision I ever made! (even though I'm still doing a lot with it.) Letting go of EVERYTHING in my life was so empowering. Life is so busy and so distracting, and like this morning, it's easy to forget that what is important is outside of ourselves. What other people think of us does not belong inside of us, and if we are too busy focused outward, and if all of our energy is going outward - giving our best and our love to the world, then those thoughts will never make their way in. What a fantastic feeling!


Anyway, just some random rambling because it's been a while. ;) Blogging has been such a great outlet for me lately, and I've missed it these past few weeks. Time to make more time for it again!

I hope you have a wonderful weekend!!! 

Go love someone and it will be great! (and if they don't love you back, because sometimes that happens and it stinks, know that it's ok to love people even if they don't love you back! It's not up to anyone else who you love!!! Especially the person you love. You just love them anyway! It's more fun that way anyway, when your love for them is not tied to their love for you.) ;)


Love You!! (especially you! yep, you who is now going to unfollow me! ;)) 


6 comments:

  1. I dont think Ive ever made something that doesnt have a mistake hahahahah Im not stressed or worried about it, my mantra is completion over perfection, sad how people only accept and acknowledge perfect, you only have to look at the fruit and veggies in a supermarket, never see a piece of fruit thats odd shaped, not quiet the right colour etc, sadly those standards are enhanced on social media platforms. Embrace the imperfect, makes life fun :)

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  2. Glad you're ok! This post is filled with so many truths :) Life is so far from the perfect we see on IG. I know all too well. All we can do is be grateful for what we have and move forward. Have a great weekend!

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  3. When my first husband walked out on me and left me to put our daughter through college by myself, I was devastated. Now 20+ years later, I realize it was not about me. It was about him. Just this past week, I learned that our two children (38 and 40) do not think their father loves them. That's sad. He again told me all the lies I had believed during the marriage - it was all my fault, no one else would want me, etc. I had just one class to finish my masters and I did. I was an absolute mess. T eventually met a dear man who had 3 strokes. Our religious believes were in sync. Eventually, we married and 7 years later, he died. Now, what am I do with my life? I lost 50 pounds. I took a "quilting trip to England." I found the 50 pounds. Between husbands, I had breast cancer and 6 weeks later I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I have other ailments, too. I have extreme PTSD from childhood incest. I wrote and told my nephews that their children might not be safe around my brother. I told my sister-in-law the same and added lots of detail to her letter - she's a pastor. I have had no response, so I reported him to authorities. My first husband reminded me (I had forgotten - very common) that he molested our daughter when she was. There was not enough evidence to prosecute him. It was about protecting the children. I supported a lady who was trying and did get the statute of limitation of reporting childhood sexual abuse changed in our state. I do better when I doing for others. If God had told me how my life was going to change, I would have doubted it. My son moved home to help him and me. Four months later his 2 year old daughter came to live with us. He now has full permanent custody. We have his son in the summer. His daughter has not seen her mother since she came to us - 15 months. Even with my challenges, I keep her while he works. I still ask - "Father God, what am I supposed to be doing for you?" I'm 65 years old. I know part of it is still parenting my children at a distance and being a surrogate mother/grandmother. I'm being encouraged to write a book of my childhood and how I've survived. It's still very raw and I'm considering it because there is still not much information from a survivor perspective. Keep praying and God will let you know. This may be a waiting season for you. Good luck.

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    1. Suze you have an incredible story of perseverance and strength to share. We do sometimes run into people who do not value us and that person can often be a spouse or family member.

      You have pushed forward despite the bumps in your life's journey. Keep being the protector you are and keep doing the things necessary to heal your emotions.

      There is so much brokenness in this world that perpetuates itself from generation to generation. My former husband was abusive because he had a lot of brokenness in his life. Being a minister still did not help him to overcome his brokenness. I came from a very supportive home so this was not the life for me. I worked with my ex spouse on his growth but had to abandon that marriage before it destroyed me.

      Create happiness and love around you so that you and others can strive.

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  4. I honestly cannot see how pointing our mistakes out to others enhances anyone... especially the people who are not involved in the initially mishap. When we do this we certainly invite the opinions/critiques of others in our own personal space. If we are pointing out our mistakes as a learning/growth experience about ourselves then let's share and have laughable moments. But if it is done for some sort of acceptance/validation, leave room for some disappointment because others may not be in the same space as you and not be able to fulfill your needs.

    Could the need to feel perfect in such an incredibly imperfect world be self imposed? To my knowledge none of us humans are perfect. The best that we can do sometimes is to surround ourselves with others who support us in our endeavors and encourage our spirit.

    Collective same minded thinking is rarely achievable because when we are all looking at the same thing, we are looking at it from different perspectives that consists of our own life experiences. My glass will always be looked at as half full because I choose to look at my life that way. Everyday is a learning/growth opportunity for me. I choose not to live in the shadows of what others call perfection. I choose what is pleasing to me.

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